Video Game Characters

Default Feb 28, 2019 No Comments

Final Fantasy: All the Bravest • In this game, you enlist the help of 32 random heroes to line up and do an attack. • That’s the whole game. There’s no gameplay, no strategy. Just some grinding in battles where you just tap on a hero to make them attack. Even white mages just attack. • It’s barely a “game” at all. It’s obviously just a ploy to extract money from you. Want actual Final Fantasy characters that you know? It’s 99 cents for a random one. • Don’t want to wait hours for your party to heal? More money. New missions? More money. 9 – Pac-Man for Atari 2600 • Any cheap cash-in of a beloved title is kinda lazy to start. But then there’s also the fact that they used the same line graphic for both the “dots” and the stage walls. The walls are just two dots stacked on top of each other. • And then they tried to play it off like it was intentional. “No, they’re not dots and power pellets, now they’re vitamins and VIDEO WAFERS.” •

That’s the name they came up with to make this seem okay. Video wafers. It’s a good thing they only manufactured 12 million of these things to sell to 10 million Atari 2600 owners. 8 – The Magnavox Odyssey • It’s important to video game history, and yeah, it came out in the early 1970s, when technology could barely handle it. • But we have the benefit of hindsight, and the Magnavox Odyssey displays three dots and a line. That’s it. • They even had to pack in screen overlays so it would actually kind of look like the game it was supposed to be. 7 – Annual Sports Franchises • These things started in the early 1990s, when a new version of professional sports games would come out each year with rosters reflective of the real sports teams. • Of course, that was an era before the internet and DLC and live updates became a thing. So naturally, these days… absolutely nothing at all has changed. They still release a new game every year. • And because games are getting bigger and more difficult to make, it’s getting harder to make significant changes between annual versions. So they don’t. 6 – Duck Hunt • Once you get past the initial coolness of using the NES Zapper, you start to think about it. • You’re just pointing and clicking at a screen and being laughed at by a cartoon dog. That’s all the game is. There’s nowhere to go from there. 5 – Mountain • This is a game where you watch a mountain drift through space.

There are no controls aside from camera movement. • It takes about 50 hours to get through a full game. Spoilers – the mountain dies. 4 – Naughty Bear • Naughty Bear puts you in the position of a homicidal maniac stuffed bear, who decides he wants to kill every other stuffed bear on Perfection Island because they didn’t invite him to a birthday party. • So you just sort of run around stabbing bears and setting the same two or three traps. It’s a neat, brutal concept that never goes anywhere. • It definitely feels like they thought the shock value would really sell the game… so they just sort of stopped making more game. 3 – Minecraft Clones • Minecraft looks like a lazy game, but there is actually a ton of thought and effort put into it. • It did, however, spawn a bunch of games from people that also thought it looked lazy. So they tried cashing in by putting out Minecraft clones that are actually lazy. • Many of them add guns and zombies. You know, to make it feel like an original concept. 2 – Dreeps • In this game, you experience a vast, sweeping adventure with epic battles and mysticism. • Well, you don’t get to go ON that adventure. Your job is setting the alarm clock for the guy who gets to do all that stuff. • But hey, you can watch. 1 – Weird “Simulators” • Games like Farming Simulator and Train Simulator are not lazy. They put lots of effort into making ACTUAL SIMULATIONS. • But now there’s a simulator for everything. We’ve got Forklift Truck Simulator 2009, Shower With Your Dad Simulator and Rock Simulator… which actually sounds a lot like Mountain. • And most of these games aren’t even simulators. It’s just a lazy thing to slap “simulator” on your game ironically and expect it to explode in popularity.


Gwendolyn Franklin